to be grateful

My life at this moment is crazy, constant and when I get a moment it is rare. I find myself hoping and wondering for a day when I have some time off to focus on what is in front of me. I keep telling myself to be patient because I know that someday I will get blessed for this long work, business kick in your face schedule. But than I don't know anything different. But I really am so grateful for what I have and I never want to forget that afraid that God will throw me another lesson in life. I love my kids so much, they give me the love that I need to get through each crazy day. The best part about them, is that I see all my flaws and feels I can't do it all, but right now in their young eyes they adore me and think I am doing ok. Which I know one day that will probably change and they will think I can't do anything right. But right now, to them I am pretty cool and they see what I don't see.

A love

As crazy and hectic as my life is, I feel like I can't do it and am a failure and always seem to come short. I come home from a long day, the house is a mess and I am a mess but I am greeted by3 amazing kids, that all giveve me a love in their own special way and they see me as perfect. That is all that matters. Nothing else.

Life really is a funny thing. Big funny surprises. But embrace them and love them because it only makes you better and stronger. The truth is the best thing in the world. Don't ever hide it, use it and teach with it.
Amen Sister

Alot has happened since my last whine, and I really have been so shockingly blessed in the past few months. After being given our miracle Phoebe child, I really have been grateful and cry everday for that blessing. But right now I want to feel sad and kind of dumpy. I guess its ok to feel this way because I really haven;t expressed myself from the latest kick you in the face. So this is why I guess I always feels hurt, alone and like there is something wrong with me. I wonder if it is me that is being bitter, ungrateful and just crazy bitchy. I hate myself at this time, but than again it wasn't me that did this to me. So i get to sit back and just wonder and doubt the situation. It the same thing everytime, the same pattern and the same solution to the problem. That solution give no comfort whatsoever. Someone addiction can sure knock you out each and every time. I know the whole faith part, hang in there, pray, ask for comfort and know that I am not alone. But when it has happened so often, you even get numb from the comfort you are supposed to feel. How I wish I was still 20 something, naive and still believed in a feeling that could guide you for years. But going through this so many times, I don't feel much, so I get bitter and cold. I hate that part of me, but that has become a huge part of who I am and I just can't get rid of it. Sometimes I curse the knowledge and feeling of the spirit that I have felt, because if I didn't know better I may have handled this whole situation differently. I may have taken more care of myself no matter what.
The hardest part is putting what I got into someone elses hands who still can't figure it out, that is scary. Man I am crazy. I may be spineless, or super courageous.
I hate having the wish, the hope and just waiting and being patient. I have had to put alot of who I want to be into someone else so I can wait for them to catch up and find out what life is like. so stupid me for so many years back. I wonder if I could have handled it differently and I wonder if I missed something. I think I have become the most confused person I know.
That is the end of my whining, my sad whoas and being ungrateful. I really am blessed and do keep plugging away. I have been given so much to be able to provide for my family and share my gifts with others. I hope in the end and down the road it will be worth it and I keep telling myself I am getting blessings now and will someday get a real good fatty one, like winning the lottery. Heres to hoping and waiting.

Last night I felt stressed and tired, and getting quite grumpy. the answer to it all was Dexter cooking pretend things. He said he loves to cook. He had made a lemonade stand with my sewing machine. So I ended my night with a lemonade that costed a nickel and it made me cry and feel better.

Crazy

Growing up I would think my parents were crazy at times. I am sure I swore I would not turn out that way. I think the craziness kicks in at 32. I don't know if it is work with a combo of everything, but I can't seem to shake the crazies. I get stressed now, and I don't like it. I am a confidant person that is on the edge. Work is kicking my trash mentally. Even the smallest thing as not having the perfect picture is putting me over the top and there is still 2 days to fix it. Yet I stress, man I am getting crazy. I don't like this part of me. I wish for normal and confident.

Kick

On my endeavor to kick my spirituality into gear, has been slow going. I have read a little more, prayed a little more. I probably missed the last 2-3 days. Off to a great start, so I should salvage it by writing a diddy. I think my stress level has calmed down a bit, until I find some other crazy thing at work that is wrong. It is sad that work consumes and has become my focus, I look at the kids and know they are turning out great, yes my relationship with Curtis should probably be the focus, but when you come home so tired you can't even see him, I guess that gets tossed aside another day. But the fact that we are still together and there is good. We feel the same way about each toerh, although I don't really express it much due to bitter build up. I sadly am waiting for him to just put it all together at once and suddenly. That is probably really foolish on my part.

I guess this week I am in a better place than last week. Yesterday at work was one of normal. I felt I got stuff done. I love how in my life it seems to hit all at once. Bam Bam Bam, take that and see what you can do with it. I have a manager who I adore but needs to leave is leaving me. go off and grow up. I am handed 2 brand new managers, I know long term it will work out. A new boss, who is great and strict and expects alot, which is hard from the previous boss who had no expectations and just assumed everything ran perfect and we didn't need any direction. That is all hitting at once. I get to deal with it all, I really am so baffled and confused at times that I am supposed to be this working do it all person who can't seem to do it all. You think God would want me to try something else, be at home,, get a break, but I guess not. Maybe Curtis still hasn't reached the level to achieve some blessings to help make that happen. I am often very puzzled by the outcome of my life. Not so much that I am ungrateful, I really do love my job and what I have been able to provide. But I look at people who I grew up with that were weaker testimony and had more sins in life. I really haven't done anything wrong in my life, yet my life has turned out so different than what I see in others. I see so many stay home moms, with husbands working, tons of children and I am plugging by. I wonder why me doing everything right and than taking a chance on a challenge. I know at the time it was what I was supposed to do but sometimes I look back and for a tiny moment think I lowered my standards, but I know what I felt and what I should have done. But it seems my life turned out more difficult. but maybe I don't have that sweet spirit to do what I see. Lets face I really am not that sweet, I am tough, straight forward in your face. It does confuse me alot at times. I have learned other peoples choices can affect your outcome far more than your own. I must patiently wait to see how this all turns out. I really am not complaining about my life, I do love my job, the challenge, adore my family and what we have at home. I just need a small moment from it all, I guess its good I have an extra day off and next week we head to the reservation and after that I really will be super grateful for everything I have.

Plus this morning Lucy yakked all over me. Quite gross. So that sums up all of last week and hopefully this week is better.