Kick

On my endeavor to kick my spirituality into gear, has been slow going. I have read a little more, prayed a little more. I probably missed the last 2-3 days. Off to a great start, so I should salvage it by writing a diddy. I think my stress level has calmed down a bit, until I find some other crazy thing at work that is wrong. It is sad that work consumes and has become my focus, I look at the kids and know they are turning out great, yes my relationship with Curtis should probably be the focus, but when you come home so tired you can't even see him, I guess that gets tossed aside another day. But the fact that we are still together and there is good. We feel the same way about each toerh, although I don't really express it much due to bitter build up. I sadly am waiting for him to just put it all together at once and suddenly. That is probably really foolish on my part.

I guess this week I am in a better place than last week. Yesterday at work was one of normal. I felt I got stuff done. I love how in my life it seems to hit all at once. Bam Bam Bam, take that and see what you can do with it. I have a manager who I adore but needs to leave is leaving me. go off and grow up. I am handed 2 brand new managers, I know long term it will work out. A new boss, who is great and strict and expects alot, which is hard from the previous boss who had no expectations and just assumed everything ran perfect and we didn't need any direction. That is all hitting at once. I get to deal with it all, I really am so baffled and confused at times that I am supposed to be this working do it all person who can't seem to do it all. You think God would want me to try something else, be at home,, get a break, but I guess not. Maybe Curtis still hasn't reached the level to achieve some blessings to help make that happen. I am often very puzzled by the outcome of my life. Not so much that I am ungrateful, I really do love my job and what I have been able to provide. But I look at people who I grew up with that were weaker testimony and had more sins in life. I really haven't done anything wrong in my life, yet my life has turned out so different than what I see in others. I see so many stay home moms, with husbands working, tons of children and I am plugging by. I wonder why me doing everything right and than taking a chance on a challenge. I know at the time it was what I was supposed to do but sometimes I look back and for a tiny moment think I lowered my standards, but I know what I felt and what I should have done. But it seems my life turned out more difficult. but maybe I don't have that sweet spirit to do what I see. Lets face I really am not that sweet, I am tough, straight forward in your face. It does confuse me alot at times. I have learned other peoples choices can affect your outcome far more than your own. I must patiently wait to see how this all turns out. I really am not complaining about my life, I do love my job, the challenge, adore my family and what we have at home. I just need a small moment from it all, I guess its good I have an extra day off and next week we head to the reservation and after that I really will be super grateful for everything I have.

Plus this morning Lucy yakked all over me. Quite gross. So that sums up all of last week and hopefully this week is better.