Life really is a funny thing. Big funny surprises. But embrace them and love them because it only makes you better and stronger. The truth is the best thing in the world. Don't ever hide it, use it and teach with it.
Amen Sister

Alot has happened since my last whine, and I really have been so shockingly blessed in the past few months. After being given our miracle Phoebe child, I really have been grateful and cry everday for that blessing. But right now I want to feel sad and kind of dumpy. I guess its ok to feel this way because I really haven;t expressed myself from the latest kick you in the face. So this is why I guess I always feels hurt, alone and like there is something wrong with me. I wonder if it is me that is being bitter, ungrateful and just crazy bitchy. I hate myself at this time, but than again it wasn't me that did this to me. So i get to sit back and just wonder and doubt the situation. It the same thing everytime, the same pattern and the same solution to the problem. That solution give no comfort whatsoever. Someone addiction can sure knock you out each and every time. I know the whole faith part, hang in there, pray, ask for comfort and know that I am not alone. But when it has happened so often, you even get numb from the comfort you are supposed to feel. How I wish I was still 20 something, naive and still believed in a feeling that could guide you for years. But going through this so many times, I don't feel much, so I get bitter and cold. I hate that part of me, but that has become a huge part of who I am and I just can't get rid of it. Sometimes I curse the knowledge and feeling of the spirit that I have felt, because if I didn't know better I may have handled this whole situation differently. I may have taken more care of myself no matter what.
The hardest part is putting what I got into someone elses hands who still can't figure it out, that is scary. Man I am crazy. I may be spineless, or super courageous.
I hate having the wish, the hope and just waiting and being patient. I have had to put alot of who I want to be into someone else so I can wait for them to catch up and find out what life is like. so stupid me for so many years back. I wonder if I could have handled it differently and I wonder if I missed something. I think I have become the most confused person I know.
That is the end of my whining, my sad whoas and being ungrateful. I really am blessed and do keep plugging away. I have been given so much to be able to provide for my family and share my gifts with others. I hope in the end and down the road it will be worth it and I keep telling myself I am getting blessings now and will someday get a real good fatty one, like winning the lottery. Heres to hoping and waiting.