Last night I felt stressed and tired, and getting quite grumpy. the answer to it all was Dexter cooking pretend things. He said he loves to cook. He had made a lemonade stand with my sewing machine. So I ended my night with a lemonade that costed a nickel and it made me cry and feel better.

Crazy

Growing up I would think my parents were crazy at times. I am sure I swore I would not turn out that way. I think the craziness kicks in at 32. I don't know if it is work with a combo of everything, but I can't seem to shake the crazies. I get stressed now, and I don't like it. I am a confidant person that is on the edge. Work is kicking my trash mentally. Even the smallest thing as not having the perfect picture is putting me over the top and there is still 2 days to fix it. Yet I stress, man I am getting crazy. I don't like this part of me. I wish for normal and confident.

Kick

On my endeavor to kick my spirituality into gear, has been slow going. I have read a little more, prayed a little more. I probably missed the last 2-3 days. Off to a great start, so I should salvage it by writing a diddy. I think my stress level has calmed down a bit, until I find some other crazy thing at work that is wrong. It is sad that work consumes and has become my focus, I look at the kids and know they are turning out great, yes my relationship with Curtis should probably be the focus, but when you come home so tired you can't even see him, I guess that gets tossed aside another day. But the fact that we are still together and there is good. We feel the same way about each toerh, although I don't really express it much due to bitter build up. I sadly am waiting for him to just put it all together at once and suddenly. That is probably really foolish on my part.

I guess this week I am in a better place than last week. Yesterday at work was one of normal. I felt I got stuff done. I love how in my life it seems to hit all at once. Bam Bam Bam, take that and see what you can do with it. I have a manager who I adore but needs to leave is leaving me. go off and grow up. I am handed 2 brand new managers, I know long term it will work out. A new boss, who is great and strict and expects alot, which is hard from the previous boss who had no expectations and just assumed everything ran perfect and we didn't need any direction. That is all hitting at once. I get to deal with it all, I really am so baffled and confused at times that I am supposed to be this working do it all person who can't seem to do it all. You think God would want me to try something else, be at home,, get a break, but I guess not. Maybe Curtis still hasn't reached the level to achieve some blessings to help make that happen. I am often very puzzled by the outcome of my life. Not so much that I am ungrateful, I really do love my job and what I have been able to provide. But I look at people who I grew up with that were weaker testimony and had more sins in life. I really haven't done anything wrong in my life, yet my life has turned out so different than what I see in others. I see so many stay home moms, with husbands working, tons of children and I am plugging by. I wonder why me doing everything right and than taking a chance on a challenge. I know at the time it was what I was supposed to do but sometimes I look back and for a tiny moment think I lowered my standards, but I know what I felt and what I should have done. But it seems my life turned out more difficult. but maybe I don't have that sweet spirit to do what I see. Lets face I really am not that sweet, I am tough, straight forward in your face. It does confuse me alot at times. I have learned other peoples choices can affect your outcome far more than your own. I must patiently wait to see how this all turns out. I really am not complaining about my life, I do love my job, the challenge, adore my family and what we have at home. I just need a small moment from it all, I guess its good I have an extra day off and next week we head to the reservation and after that I really will be super grateful for everything I have.

Plus this morning Lucy yakked all over me. Quite gross. So that sums up all of last week and hopefully this week is better.

My whiny woes

I have been on a emotional roller coaster of too much life hitting me at once. I can feel my old age kicking in and I feel so much older than really am. I feel my body can't keep up with the mind and what I am supposed to do. Lately I have found life to be more difficult to manage to a fully 100%. I want to be able to do more and balance it all but some things seem to hold me back. I look back in a time when my life was the hardest and how I was able to handle to all. With the exception of my body not holding up, there is so much from than to now that I am not doing. First thing, I would write in my journal daily. That helped me survive the surprises of growing up. Now I don't even touch this area, but with my stress level increasing and so much being thrown at me, I decided to start up journal ling for the insanity sake and hopefully to relieve some stress buildup. So here is it, my talking into the air to no-one to collect all my thoughts and feelings. Just talking to myself. I always feel that when things get thrown at me it comes in the masses and I look at God with question, "Really?' You want me to do what and all at once. that is where I question the path that is set out for me. Am I really a person that is supposed to do everything and not just enjoy the luxury of being a woman and taking on only womanly roles. But I keep telling myself this is where God wants me and I am supposed to do it. So I am making myself be more thankful and understand my woes that I am whining about as of late. No I don't think I can do all that is asked of me. But it is there and I always say if it is in front of you than you must take it. I really should stop saying that and living by that. But I look at it as God throwing me stuff and I am supposed to take it. My job as crazy and up and down as it has been and lately just thrown me the biggest challenge of yet is there for me. Today after crying for 2 days about it, have realized it is still a big part of my life. I am a business career woman at CPK, a job that just presented itself to me and I took it. It keeps coming, I surpass all the males in my area and here I still am. I look at the stay home pretty kept up mom longingly at times. I am a career working mom. I can make this happen and I can only hope that I do better at balancing it all being far grateful for this. I really do love my job, I love my home that my job has provided, I love the lifestyle I am able to provide my kids, something different from what I had. I adore, love, my crazy funny kids. They are perfect. I have learned and re-learned to love and getting where I need to with Curtis. I know our lives don't help much, but we seem to make it work. I really wonder how great we could be if we actually saw each other, so we must have an amazing relationship to make it work. we started strong and will finish strong and that is what makes it work.

Lately I have tried to find ways to make things work more, and I know that I am missing the main key that could put this all together. That is more faith, more involvement with the gospel. I have been so angry and bitter for a long time, I have been on strike and made for a long time. I need to take all that back to get the gumption that is needed to fill in the holes to do everything. I need help and need to admit that. I need help from god. I really do, I need it so much. I have pushed it away for so long in anger and I think now to finally do what I can't feel I can do, I need help. I can't do it alone. I need to bring it back. I need prayer, I need conversation, I need to trust again and not be angry. I need to read and I need to write. I need to study and add more to my already crazy life, when I add more is when I will actually be able to do more. My body will heal, my energy will come back and I will finally have someone to carry this burden that I feel everyday. I know Curtis tries to carry and relieve it a bit. But the only person that can help me relieve it is my Heavenly Father.

I haven't thought this way in along time. but that is the only that has been missing for years and I keep asking myself how am I supposed to do all this, and I have tried doing it all by myself. that has worn me out. I need help, this I am starting to realize. It is time to bring it all back, get that confidence and sure knowledge. I need it back. I need to de-bitter and rely on again.